monarchy

We no longer live in a democratic society. The US is about to be officially taken over by King George W. There is no longer any need for Congress, nor for the Supreme Court. What's so fucked up is that the flag-waving Bush supporters are calling people like ME naive. Now I'm not so sure that Texas is large enough to hold all of these lunkheads. I'm thinking that we might need to give them a bunch of those other states down there, too. Florida, to start with (after we relocate NASA, of course). And how ever many more it takes to keep them happily penned. We can probably get Norway to send over a few hundred sheep herders to keep them all from chewing their own tails off.

On a more positive note, I finally received my Josh Simpson planet (which I got as a gift for donating a buttload of money to Public Television). I'm thinking that it might be a nice place to live if the Earth doesn't work out.

petty officer second class

I can't say enough good things about SCUL, and their fearless leader Skunk. Their basic motto is to have more even fun on bikes than they did as kids. It doesn't always happen, by they never give up trying. The world could use more people like these. The Halloween ride is their season finale, and everyone is invited to participate, even civillians, as long as they've got a costume. The War on Terrorism Costume was a big hit once again. The Fish Bike was there as an ambassador from Bikes Not Bombs. Jef did, indeed, come with me, and had a grand time. He was inducted with the SCUL name Cockroach, and was spoken highly of by Fleet Admiral Skunk, who had apparently been trying for quite some time to get Jef to join.

Finally, I need to mention DangerMouse. She is, quite arguably, the most adorable person ever. Certainly the most adorable person in SCUL. I have no pictures of her, so you're just going to trust me on this one. She's not only adorable, but the sweetest person, too. And she rides a chopper. If I was gay, I'd be in love.

Critical Mass in disguise

The War on Terrorism costume was a big hit on the Critical Mass bike ride last night. Some of the elements of the costume included: Giant pink foam Jiggly Puff outfit, zombie makeup, a plastic skull sword with an American flag hanging from the blade, and a gorgeous pink kid's bike with fake flowers on the front and an inflatable Earth suspended off of the rear. (The gist of the costume was that it made no sense, get it?) The ride was fun, though short. Highlights of the evening were two CARS getting involved in an accident because neither had the patience to wait 30 seconds for us to pass, and responding to a couple of BU geniuses who were yelling "You suck!" by chanting "USA! USA!" Oh, and Dan the Bagleman (from Food Not Bombs) joined the ride for the first time ever. About 12 of us ended up at a tiny Indian restaraunt in Central Square in Cambridge. Pictures should be forthcoming...

Tonight is the big SCUL haloween ride. Same costume, different group of people. Should be even more fun. (Especially without a certain grumpy individual.) I've actually managed to convince Jef to come. And possibly a roommate or two. Yay.

So, you're probably saying to yourself, how's the Zine/Newspaper thing going, turtle? We'll it's going pretty well. I've got a preliminary layout, title, and lots of writen material that needs to be edited. I still need artwork, though. And some time to actually get the thing all together. But things are moving along.

In the meantime, check out my letter to the editor that's in the Boston Phoenix this week. It's the first letter in the section (for some reason they left out the names in the web version, though I'm fully credited in the real paper).

bad timing once again

Last night I spent a couple of hours making up a card for Jason to explain my thoughts about our "friendship". The downward spiral of our relationship came, once again, to a head this past weekend. So I made him a card to let him know how much I still cared for him, even though I realized that I could no longer be a part of his life.

I dropped off the card this afternoon. And now I discover that I seemed to have randomly picked a really bizarre day to do so. See, today was the day that he went to court to try and deal with getting official visitation rights to see his daughter. (Something he's been trying to do outside of court for years now.) Fortunately, it apparently went very well, and the court folks are on his side. I, of course, had no idea that he was going to do this today, but I do kinda feel bad about him coming home after all that mess to find my card.

Something about Texas

It's time for the state of Texas to sucede from the US. And to take George W. and the Supreme Court with it. Then the rest of us can go on trying to help people, rather than killing them.

News Briefing

Not much to report these days, as you can clearly see by one of the "Top Stories" on Boston.com today: Portland Bans Snakes from Public Places. Good to know that the government in Maine is busy defending the city from evil.

On a related note, I'm seriously considering producing a one-off zine/newspaper dedicated to alerting the general public to the news that mainstream media, like the New York Times, doesn't see fit to print. If anyone would like to contribute to this project, please get in touch with me. (My e-mail address is on the left.) I'm particularly interested in realistic analysis, personal stories, and art reflecting on the "war on terrorism" and its accompanying dangers. I'd like to keep the tone positive, and avoid namecalling, pointless rants, and so on. There are plently of places for that kind of thing (this journal being one!), but not too many places focusing on where to go from here. The most popular question coming from the flag-waving crowd is "Well then, hippy, what do YOU propose we do?" I say, lets tell them what we'd like to do.

no soup for you!

At least no soup that has hemp oil or seeds in it. In an act that was completely lost on all of the mainstream media, the DEA has made it illegal to sell food products, in the US, which contain hemp. They are, of course, ignoring the scientific fact that you cannot possibly get even the slightest bit high off of hemp. And, even if you managed to sneak in some marijauana in the place of the hemp, according to the US government's own studies, getting high isn't in the least bit dangerous. (Smoking it is bad for your lungs though.)

So, yeah, stock up on those hemp seeds and oil while the stores still have them (retailers have 120 days to get rid of their current stock). Hemp seeds are one of the most nutritious foods available, and taste pretty good too. And, while you're at it, let your elected officials know that they need to repeal this law.

bug up your butt?

There is an excellent article by the writer Barbara Kingsolver on indymedia.org about her frustrations with the anti-democracy-flag-waving crowd, and how she deals with it all.

My mom has informed me that there seems to be a new variety of vicious ladybugs. Maybe that is why the world is being so obnoxious, they've all got ladybugs biting their asses.

You know, I came to a conclusion just now. My depression has, at it's roots, the feeling that no one appreciates me. Makes sense, right? When you don't feel needed (or wanted, even) by the outside world, your mind just kind of starts believing it. For the past few weeks, on and off, I've been given the impression that I'm just not useful or appreciated by either the world in general, or the people who I considered friends (or work, for that matter). And it's particularly bad for people like me who live by the creed that you should care about others and do your best to have a positive impact while you're lingering about the planet. We bend over backwards trying to help people, and make a difference, blah, blah, blah. And when we get no response, or worse, people treating us like crap, then we have a potential to snap. Seeing that we're making someone, somewhere even the slightest bit happier is the only thing that keeps us "fighting the good fight" (as one of my exes used to say).

Take this as a lesson, kids. Don't take people for granted. We're all guilty of doing it. (Yep, even me). But some day you may look up and we won't be here any more. And that's really gonna suck. Because then the only people who will be around will be the people who don't give a shit.

I don't like Mondays.

Or maybe it's just that I don't like anything at all these days.

Busy weekend, though nothing terribly interesting really happened. Well, unless you count the fact that I am now on a speaking basis with Jason. Friday night we were supposed to go to see Janeane Garofalo at the Orpheum. It took 4 e-mails to convince Jason to go, and then when we got there we discovered that the show had mysteriously been cancelled. We still don't know why, and there we no signs or even employees at the theater. Weird. Anyway, I went back to Jason's house and proceeded to unload all the crap I'd been thinking all week. Basically, the stuff about how horribly he was treating someone he was claiming to be a good friend. And the usual about guys running away from relationships when they get scared. (The story of my life...) Anyway, we spent Saturday night and Sunday morning together, and despite him being grumpy for nearly all of the SCUL ride, we had a nice time.

As far as the world goes, it's still pretty damned stupid. George W. has sunk to unforeseen lows of intellect. "They must have not heard. There's no negotiations." Not only is he still completely unable to utter a proper english sentence, but, by refusing the Taliban's offer to hand over Osama bin Laden, he's basically telling them to "shut up and die". The man is like a kid in a candy store, and since he's got all the flag waving American sheep backing him, it looks like he's not gonna leave until all the sugar has been has been turned into shit.

lost in the translation?

I wonder how the phrase "cough him up" translates into Farsi...

Heroes come in small packages

Tonight I saw Howard Zinn (The People's History of the United States) give a lecture about the artist's role in politics. He'd never spoken about this topic before and I was honored to be there for it. The man is amazing. Even more amazing was the fact that I not only agreed with absolutely everything he had to say, but that I had pretty much already come to the same conclusions on my own. I'll have some more thoughts about his speech later on, no doubt. But I'll give you two of my favorite gems of the evening:

"The most patriotic thing you can do as an American citizen is to question your government."

"War IS terrorism"

Not many things can render me speechless

What do you say to a guy who considers proposing to you, and then actually breaks up with you a week later?

Not a damn thing.

proud to be a barbaric american?

Why is it that when terrorists are American citizens we prosecute them in the judicial system which was set up for just such purposes, but when terrorists are foreigners we resort to massacring an entire country?

If America treated itself the way we treat the rest of the world, we'd have bombed ourselves into oblivion long ago.

I found a great article on www.alternet.org that outlines one of the biggest problems with war protesters (myself, of course, being one of them). The author notes that simply complaining rarely ever has any lasting effect. And it's true. What we really need to do is to energize an effort to demand that our leaders take a good, honest look at ALL of the options available, not just the ones we've been using for the past 10,000 years. It's not too late to change tactics. We need to insist that our government start showing the rest of the world the same amount of respect that we expect for ourselves.

And the best way that we can change our courtry's politics is to start with ourselves. Be educated, be open, and most importantly, be outspoken. When asked what the average person could do about the terrorist bombings, Jim Hightower had one thing to say: Talk to anyone and everyone. Engage your co-workers, friends, and relatives in a frank, yet friendly, conversation about how we could better approach this difficult situation. Everyone already knows that we want peace, but very few people honestly realize that there are, in fact, options that will actually allow it. As the saying goes "war is the result of a lack of imagination".

People also need to know that there already is a judicial system set up to deal with international crimes. And the events of 9/11 are exactly why this kind of world court exists. We need to ask ourselves, and our leaders, why we are not persuing the terrorists of 9/11 in the same manner that we persued the terrorists of 4/19 (Oklahoma City).

We need everyone to be fully aware that both justice AND peace are possible.

So, I can't quite decide which one of these suggestions to go with:

The ultimate solution

or this,

Hold on to what is good
even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe
even if it is a tree which stands
by itself.
Hold onto what you must do
even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life
even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand
even when I have gone away
from you.
— Native American Prayer

Just when I thought life couldn't get any worse. Honestly. How much more fucked up can it get?

None of this is helped by the fact that my boyfriend blew me off all Saturday. (And then broke up with me later on Sunday morning...)

Depression comes for a visit

I hate this world right now. I seem to have gotten myself deep into my old friend depression. I don't think I've felt this bad in many years. It's a combination of uselessness, hopelessness, and loneliness. And that's a lot of nesses.

Luckily for me I've been here before, and I know what the deal is. As someone recently pointed out I'm a very patient person. I suppose it comes from having an alcoholic and violent mom and stepfather when I was a kid. I must have learned that I could just wait and eventually things would stop being so utterly terrifying.

Actually, that's a pretty good definition of depression. Terror. But not of anything physical. More of a mental thing. And more of a creeping type of terror. That's what makes it so fucked up. Feeling terrified in the face of immenent danger is explainable and even expected. But terror when things look, for all intents and purposes, A ok, is percieved as abnormal. This kind of terror is built up while you're not really noticing. Just by the accumulation of everyday things continuing to go wrong. And then, when the proverbial last straw breaks it's just like BANG. The feeling that nothing ever is going to go right again. The feeling that the world is so irreparably screwed up that there really is no point to continuing.

Many folks seem to think that depression is a chemical imbalance, and is a disease. But I don't buy it. Many years ago I read an article in Adbusters magazine that argued essentially that depression was merely the reaction of compassionate people to an uncompassionate world. And that seems like a much more logical and rational explanation.

One of the main inspirations for me doing this journal was becuse of the recent terrorist actions against our previously complacent country. So, I'm going to start with a little of my own personal reactions.

Obviously, everyone in the entire country has been affected by the events of 9/11. The interesting thing to observe is the different ways in which people have changed. Some people have gone out and bought up all the Made-in-China American flags they could find and draped them out their windows in a most unceremonious manner, in an attempt to show the world how proud they are to live in the biggest superpower on the planet. Other people have gone out and donated blood or $20 to the Red Cross and gone on with their lives.

Me? I have been having reoccuring attacks of why the heck am I working for a pro-automobile company when I should be doing something positive with my work. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy the company I work for, the people are really great and they are even surprisingly openminded and socially aware. But, making books about cars is not at all what I want to be spending my life doing. As a matter of fact, this is one of the only jobs I've ever had that wasn't at a non-profit. I just got comfortable with the luxury of it all, you know, of being able to pay most of my bills, and by some nice things for a change. But that's not what it's all about. Early on I realized that my reason for living (my "religious philosophy" if you like) was to make a positive impact on the world. To make the world a better place, cliche as it may be. And these recent events have simply reminded me of that philosophy.

Sounds great, right? But my problem now is that I haven't been able to find any kind of job that is even moderately appropriate for me. I sit there and look at all of the so called non-profit jobs on Monster.com and I see nothing. Not a damn thing that would be beneficial to anyone, human or otherwise. And then I realize that, in this world, people who do good are rarely paid for it.

It depresses the fuck out of me.

Opera and Blogger don't seem to be getting along terribly well. But it's cool. I'll just use Netscape for now. Expect a lot of random changes in the design of this thing in the next week or two.

Anyway, welcome to my blog. I still prefer the term journal, since that's really what this is, to me. Log sounds so impersonal. You know, like on Star Trek, the Ship's Log?

So, if anyone is actually reading this, you have Jason to thank (or blame) for me starting one of these things.

I'll put up a brief history of Turil soon, so that any people who don't already know where I'm coming from will have some clue as to why I am the way I am. And all that crap. But for now, you'll just have to read my little non-sequitors and other random turtleness.

Thanks for your patience. And thank you for using AT&T.

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Welcome to my blog.